The following is an article written by a person diagnosed with autism who is helping the world to understand, breaking barriers to ignorance and harsh judgment in the process. This post can also help people newly diagnosed with autism. I think it is time to recognize the fact that people diagnosed with autism are perfect as they are, not how others expect them to be. The paradox between what is considered to be “normal” and masking behaviors needs to be better understood. The world will be a better place if we can substitute empathy and compassion for ignorance and judgment.
“Masking is something I don’t think people understand very well.
“If you’re not familiar with masking at all, it is when a person hides socially unacceptable traits or behaviors and demonstrates or mirrors socially acceptable behaviors or traits.
“On the surface, it appears like someone is being knowingly and intentionally fake in order to fool their way into friendships, relationships and spaces they wouldn’t have had access to otherwise.
“But I was masking for 34 years before finally receiving an autism diagnosis WITHOUT CONSCIOUSLY KNOWING I WAS DOING IT.
“Intent is where I think most people get hung up. If they’re aware of masking at all, they assume it is done with the intent to deceive.
“What is *actually* happening is an instinctive and primal response to social trauma that is operating beneath the conscious awareness of the person who is doing it.
“Our modern Western society likes to fancy itself as a collection of individuals who are all “self-reliant.” If that were true, no one at all would panic about things like supply chain disruptions leading to empty grocery store shelves and Tom Hank’s “Castaway” wouldn’t have been quite so compelling if everyone lived entirely on their own with no help from anybody.
“We are FAR more interconnected, and interdependent, than we’d like to think. I view modern Western society as that precocious teenager with a haughty attitude who writes moody emo songs about what a loner they are and how they don’t need anyone… from their parent’s basement.
“The fact is, no human is an island. We ALL rely on one another. We ALL need connection with other human beings in order to survive.
“We think of ‘survival basics’ as things like food, water, shelter, etc., but think of Castaway again for a moment. Didn’t Tom Hanks have all those things? He figured out how to acquire food, water, and shelter, didn’t he? If those survival basics were all he needed, shouldn’t he have been surviving really well and having a great time? Physically, he was surviving. Mentally? Emotionally? The guy befriended a volleyball just to have some company.
“CONNECTION is just as much a ‘survival basic’ as food, water, and shelter. It is one of the very first things that we instinctively seek out as babies. And we do so because we cannot survive alone. Not as babies, not as children, not as adolescents, not even as adults.
“If it’s so hardwired into us to seek out connection, it makes sense that it would be the primal, subconscious part of our brain which would be in charge of a social coping mechanism like masking.
“That is how someone like me can go over three decades of life without knowing consciously that they are doing it.
“As I grew up, subtle (and not-so-subtle) feedback alerted me to the fact that my natural state of being was socially unacceptable. Most of this was happening mostly below the level of conscious awareness. So, subconsciously, I began to mirror others.
“Mirroring is something that even several species of animals do. It’s the reason why cats sit on books and laptops that their owners are trying to use – they’re *mirroring* their owners as a social behavior, to show shared interest, to connect.
“Certain species of penguins mirror, several other species of birds, several species of primates, etc. There are probably examples of mirroring in EVERY social species.
“And as animals don’t *quite* have the same level of consciousness as humans do, it is very clear that this is a behavior that is engaged in as an instinctual survival strategy, to meet the basic survival need of connection, not a conscious-level manipulation.
“Cats aren’t intentionally trying to deceive their owners when they are mirroring their owners, are they? They’re trying to CONNECT with their owners.
“And especially when we are young, connection is EXTREMELY important, speaking from a survival perspective. We are not yet able to meet our own needs. We need connection with family, caregivers, teachers, friends.
“So of COURSE, if we perceive that the way we are is endangering that connection, without even knowing it, we will begin to hide or downplay those elements of ourselves and to emulate the more socially acceptable qualities we have observed.
“That is what masking is. That is what mirroring is. It is a subconscious, instinctive attempt to gain one of the most important basics of survival there is: connection.
“It’s very known that many autistic people mask. In fact, I would argue one of the main distinctions between autistic people who non-autistic people perceive as “high functioning” and autistic people who non-autistic people perceive as “low functioning” is whether or not they mask.
“I would also argue that autistic people are FAR from the only human beings who mask.
“I would even go so far as to argue that masking IS a main component in non-autistic social communication. Except, instead of calling it “masking” non-autistic people call it “manners.”
“Or they call it their “work persona.”
“Hi! How are you?”
“I’m good, how are you?”
“Good, thanks for asking! Lovely weather we’re having today, isn’t it?”
“It is! Hopefully the weather stays good for the game tonight.”
“Fingers crossed! I need to get going to run some errands, but it was great running into you!”
“You too! Take care!”
“There’s an actual name for this type of conversation, but my internet isn’t working at the moment and I can’t look it up lol.
“It’s a type of communication where the point of the communication ISN’T to actually exchange information. The point is to follow along a prescribed script as a demonstration of politeness. In such a communication, it is seen as IMPOLITE to answer the question of “how are you?” with any answer beyond “good.”
“It involves potentially hiding someone’s true state and presenting only the socially acceptable state. Let’s say someone, a non-autistic someone, was having an absolutely terrible, stressful day. An acquaintance bumps into them and asks, “hi! How are you?” The non-autistic person is, truthfully, having an awful day. But they will most likely attempt a smile and reflexively respond, “good! How are you?”
“It would be seen as a social faux pas for them to answer with the true information: ‘I’m really struggling right now. Today has been so stressful and horrible, it’s the worst day I’ve had in a long time.’ That would brand them as a ‘negative’ person and it would be seen as rude to ‘burden’ the acquaintance with that information. Being branded as ‘negative’ and as someone who doesn’t follow basic rules of politeness will generally also involve that person being avoided socially, which is the opposite of connection. So, they hide it.
“I think that one of the main reasons why non-autistic people struggle to see autistic people who can and do mask as being “truly” autistic is because masking is such a huge part of non-autistic social discourse, and the ability to mask then is seen as a mark of someone being ‘normal’ (which, to a non-autistic person, is synonymous with being non-autistic.)
“In fact, one of the first traits that set apart autistic people from non-autistic people WAS being socially honest and blunt in that honesty. Think: Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory.
“In recent decades, diagnostic criteria, following better studies into neurodevelopmental ‘disorders’ like autism, have broadened to embrace autistic people who mask. It’s not that there are suddenly more autistic people, it’s that autistic people who have historically been excluded because of too-narrow diagnostic criteria are now being included.
“Autistic people who mask tend to be regarded as FAKERS all the way around. People who are not well-educated in neurodevelopmental conditions tend to think someone is ONLY autistic if they are blunt and/or can’t speak at all. So, they think any autistic person who can do a convincing impression of a non-autistic person can’t possibly be autistic.
“Then, if they are educated on masking, they then think autistic people who mask are inherently dishonest, or intentionally dishonest.
“The truth is, some autistic people can and do mask, and do so largely subconsciously as a survival strategy. Some autistic people can’t or don’t mask, and those tend to be the autistic people that others regard as ‘low functioning.’
“But we are equally autistic, those of us who mask and those of us who don’t.
“The reason why I also keep putting ‘high functioning’ and ‘low functioning’ in quotes is because functioning isn’t static, it is dynamic. There are times when I have the energy and mental bandwidth to mask, and times I don’t. And that’s about the extent of my control over masking.
“Since my autism diagnosis in 2019, I became consciously aware of masking and that I had been doing it my whole life. And that created a sort of conundrum for me, because now I can SEE myself doing it, but I can’t STOP myself from doing it. The only thing that stops the masking is when I literally CAN’T anymore because I don’t have the energy to.
“I WANT to stop masking. I don’t like that I do it. I do recognize that masking has the potential to help me gain more and better survival opportunities, but to hold on to those opportunities, things like relationships, jobs, etc., that mask must be maintained in perpetuity.
“Masking is energetically expensive. It takes a LOT of energy to do it on the scale that an autistic person has to do it, because we’re not just masking having a bad day, like the non-autistic person in the example above. We are masking WHO WE ARE.
“So, when I don’t have the energy, I don’t mask. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. I don’t make facial expressions, and if I can talk in that moment, it is with a monotone voice, usually in one-word answers. In these moments, I seem very obviously autistic to the outside world. But I’m still the same person when I have the energy to mask and to seem talkative and gregarious. I’m still just as autistic.
“MY theory is that people who are regarded as ‘low functioning’ simply have even more sensory processing issues than I do, and it takes so much energy to just try to deal with that that they don’t have the energy to mask.
“I have sensory processing disorder and I also have auditory processing disorder. I have executive functioning disorder. But every autistic person is an individual with varying degrees of difficulty in all of these areas. I have a TON of problems with bright lights – bright sunlight, bright fluorescent lights, overhead lights of any kind, etc. I have a TON of problems with overlapping noises – lots of people talking at once, different songs playing at the same time, etc. I have a TON of problems with heat – I overheat very easily and when I do, I can’t focus on a damn thing. I have a TON of problems with certain textures of fabrics and seams, and I have to wear my socks inside out.
“But I am certain there are autistic people who struggle with these things to an even bigger degree, and if all their available mental and physical energy went to trying to manage that, they wouldn’t HAVE any energy left for masking.
“I truly think that is the main difference between autistic people who are deemed ‘high functioning’ and those who are deemed ‘low functioning.’
“This is already extremely long but bear with me for one more analogy.
“A woman is in labor. At the beginning of labor, she’s still able to talk, maybe even joke a little. She’s still able to follow most of the social rules of politeness. As labor progresses and she’s experiencing an increasing amount of pain and discomfort, she’s less talkative and maybe a little more blunt and a little more curt in her responses to people. When she gets even further into transition, and the pushing stage, she is now in more acute pain and discomfort than she ever has been in her entire life. It is ALL she can focus on. She may not speak at all and if someone tries to ask her a question she may even scream or swear at them.
“Even if she’s someone who, when not in labor, never wanted anyone to see her without makeup, she now is so focused on the physical process that she does not care that her hair, wet with sweat, is stuck to her face, that her mascara is running down her face, that she’s half naked in front of an entire room of people. She’s grunting and moaning and screaming, this person who under normal circumstances takes great pains to always be proper and polite. She may even be among the 80% of women who poop when she gives birth, and she may do it right in front of a room full of people.
“In the same way, I think this is EXACTLY what’s going on with “severely” autistic people. When you’re so completely overwhelmed by intense physical discomfort and pain, you don’t have the energy or ability to talk or to be polite. You may even be so focused on those discomforts and pains that you go to the bathroom without realizing it. (And of course, there are other differences. For instance, some autistic people ALSO have co-occurring intellectual disability, previously called mental retardation.)
“I’ve given birth twice and I am also autistic. Going through the different stages of birth is a very good corollary for the different stages of sensory struggles and having the energy to observe normal social niceties.
“In short, I think ALL humans, as a social species, engage in masking and mirroring, unless they are in acute physical pain and discomfort, as pregnant people are while in labor and as autistic people who experience extreme sensory processing issues are.”
I hope this helps people to have more empathy, compassion, and understanding when dealing with each other.