Listening is an artform.
Really listening to another person for an extended period of time can be rare, like finding a treasure. We all want to be heard. We all want to be listened to. We all have something to say. We all have something we want to share. We all want to talk, talk, talk.
How many times do we find ourselves truly listening to someone, then they say something that triggers a response thought from us. We bide our time until we can say our part, but at that point, we have stopped listening. We find ourselves “treading water verbally” until the conversation stops so we can jump in with our two cents.
This is called listening with an answer running. This is not listening.
Some of us are better listeners than others. Maybe we are attention deficit, or hyperactive, or both, no matter what our age is. Sometimes others gently or not so gently, let us know of this bad habit.
Like any habit, good or bad, habits can be changed. We simply need to become aware of what we are doing. Once someone lets us know we are not listening, that can become the moment we remind ourselves to become the observer of ourselves. Watch what we do the next time in conversation, so that we can do a better job of listening.
Two things happen when we earnestly listen. First, the person we are listening to feels heard, acknowledged and appreciated. Second, we get a better understanding of what the other person is trying to share with us.
This all seems like common sense. However, if the conversation gets heated, or we have a completely different opinion other than the one that is being expressed, then all bets are off with our listening skills.
How are we with political, religious, or relationship discussions? We know where our weak spots and strong opinions are.
Organized programs such as Marriage Encounter suggest rules of communication to follow, such as, each person takes a set amount of time, for example 30 minutes, to separate and write down thoughts and feelings, not judgements. One rule is to never begin a sentence with the word “You.” What most often follows the word “You” is usually a judgement. Writing down your or my feelings is not offensive. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. After the 30 minutes is up, the couple comes together and exchanges notebooks for each other to read, then discuss. This can be a great help for people who can get lost in communication, or have a difficult time expressing themselves, or expressing themselves without being interrupted. Interrupting is another no-no. So, for non-argument sake, if one person asks a question, the other person is to answer the question, without being interrupted. That is how it is supposed to work.
It is always better to work things out in person whenever possible. On the telephone, others cannot see our expressions. The written word can come across very harsh without hearing the inflection of voice and the look in someone’s eyes, which really tell the whole story.
Life is too short to not communicate with others. Keep trying. Never give up. As we grow and change, so do others. If relationships have fallen by the wayside, we can renew them simply by the art of listening.
This can be difficult if not impossible when someone in the family decides to stop speaking with a family member. All people have free will to live their own lives. Coercion and manipulation are not tools to use in these moments. Some family members who wish to be left alone will go so far as to threaten other family members if they get involved, that they too will be cut off from communication if they try to fix the broken relationship. This is a mean manipulation tool the angry family member uses, for whatever “noble” reason they can come up with.
One “noble” reason people come up with to be left alone is, “I am cutting out all people in my life with ‘bad energy’.” This is a sad state of affairs, suggesting that people never charge. It shows lack of compassion. How many people seek compassion from others, but are not willing to show compassion themselves?
It is possible to heal relationships. Life is too short not to at least try. There is always hope, faith and love.
God Bless