“Gossip … can have devastating consequences. We tend to have a strong negativity bias: Almost all of us pay more attention to negative information than we do to positive information. Think about the last time you posted something to Facebook, for example, and got a string of enthusiastic comments followed by a single, stinging rebuke. Which comment did you focus on?” Emma Seppälä Ph.D. wrote in the Psychology Today online article https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/feeling-it/201612/8-things-to-do-if-youre-the-target-of-hurtful-gossip.
Emma Seppälä, Ph.D., is a Lecturer at the Yale School of Management, Faculty Director of the Yale School of Management’s Women’s Leadership Program, Science Director of Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education and an international keynote speaker. Her book The Happiness Track (HarperOne, 2016) has been translated into dozens of languages.
Kindness and charity go a long way in understanding relationship issues much better than gossiping about someone behind their back. These positive qualities are also key to keeping your self-confidence and self-esteem if you are the one who has been slandered. On both sides, it is more productive to discuss important matters with the person or people with whom you are having issues.
How else do you solve a problem with any person unless you speak with that person directly? Otherwise, you are also part of the unsolved problem.
Dr. Seppälä has some pearls of wisdom to share in suggesting eight things to do if you are the target of hurtful gossip.
“We react similarly to information about others. Research by Stanford University’s Rob Willer shows that we take negative gossip about others seriously because we view it as useful information that can protect us. The result is that when someone spreads false rumors about you, it’s hard to shake off that reputation. This can damage your personal and professional opportunities and it’s also extremely stressful.
“If you are facing hurtful rumors, you’ll need to use emotional intelligence to avoid making the situation any worse—and, ideally, to make it better. These eight tips can help turn the situation around:
1. Regulate your negative emotions.
You have a choice how you respond to the situation. Take an extra moment to not react. Instead, as difficult as it can be not to pore oil on the verbal fire as emotions flare over untruths, old hurts, embarrassments, and reputation harming comments, do not immediately react.
“Taking a moment to step back from these situations [and] simply label your emotions can be very helpful,” says Marc Brackett, Director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. Use the calming strategies that work best for you: breathing, mindfulness, unplugging from work, working out, or taking walks. Give yourself time to cool off. Chances are you will come up with a far more constructive solution to your problem once the emotions have died down.
You will also feel better about yourself for being the bigger person, intellectually and emotionally speaking.
2. Expand your perspective.
Use your free will to remember your personal power in the situation. False rumors and negative gossip say much more about those who seek to elevate themselves by putting you down than it does about you.
“Because these kinds of situations seem unfair, you feel powerless and can lose sight of the big picture,” says Johann Berlin, CEO of TLEX Institute. “You either want to fight or you shut down. In other words, you’re either angry or you’re depressed or ashamed. That’s when you need to step back and ask yourself: What does success mean to you in that moment? Does it mean winning? Or does it mean regaining that feeling of power and confidence?”
According to Dr. Seppälä, “We know from research that negative emotions like stress are associated with a narrower perspective and a tendency toward self-focus—in other words, your perception is skewed. We all know we’re not at our best when we’re upset. To figure out a constructive solution, we need to snap out of a negative mindset.”
3. Practice self-compassion, and even forgiveness.
“During those difficult moments, you can feel like you’re in a dark place and there’s no way out, but cultivating forgiveness and compassion, soft as these terms may sound, can actually be highly effective,” Berlin says.
Dr. Seppälä agrees. “Research supports the idea that when you forgive someone, the person who benefits most is you. Forgiveness can help you move on, improve your health and well-being, and generally lighten your step.”
4. De-identify from the situation.
You might discover there might be a grain of truth in the situation by giving yourself space and time to access the situation. Also, gossipers tell on themselves by their act of gossiping.
Michael Kraus of the Yale School of Management points out the importance of de-identifying from the situation: “The most important thing to realize about these kinds of problem behaviors is that they aren’t about you. They are actually the behavior of someone who is nervous and anxious about their position within an organization (or family). People lash out, gossip, and snipe at others to protect their fragile selves. They tear you down to make themselves look slightly better by comparison.”
5. Consider how to respond.
This is where taking that breath of time helps. Don’t hide under a self-imposed blanket of shame. You have a right to your feelings, even if others try to invalidate them by fear, intimidation, insults, or guilt.
As Willer points out, “It’s critical to approach the person in a sympathetic, non-confrontational way, so that you can win their sympathies.”
“You’ll want to speak to them from a place that is cool and collected,” Dr. Seppälä says.
6. Give it time.
Giving yourself, the situation, and others involved time is so important that it is worth having its own heading.
“As the victim,” Kraus advises, “you should play the long game. … One inconsistent bit of sabotage could be harmful in the short term, but the long term is likely to bear out a different picture.” Willer also suggests performing and acting with high integrity and letting your actions speak for you.
7. Focus on what’s going right.
Dr. Seppälä advises, “We know that the mind clings to the negative, but research also shows us that every day, more positive things happen to us than negative things. At any given time, many things are going right in our lives. You could be enjoying what you’re doing at work, feel grateful for the paycheck, or appreciate the organization’s values or benefits. Or you could be focusing on the joy you derive from your family, friends, hobbies, sports, or community service. When we savor our experiences, we derive more pleasure and satisfaction from them. Spending time feeling grateful for what else is going right in your life will help you weather the rest.”
8. Remember that you are not alone.
Dr. Seppälä agrees with me on advice I’ve given in past posts. She says, “It’s difficult to be the subject of a negative rumor, particularly one that has no basis in reality. You can’t always control what other people say about you, but you can control how you respond—and you can be resilient.”
A version of this article originally appeared on Harvard Business Review.