The Art Of Listening ~ Not Listening Is A Manipulation Tactic

Listening is an art form.

Really listening to another person for an extended period of time can be rare, like finding a treasure. We all want to be heard. We all want to be listened to. We all have something to say. We all have something we want to share. We all want to talk, talk, talk.

How many times do we find ourselves truly listening to someone, then they say something that triggers a response thought from us. We bide our time until we can say our part, but at that point, we have stopped listening. We find ourselves “treading water” until the conversation stops so we can jump in with our two cents.

We are listening with an answer running. This is not listening.

Some of us are better listeners than others. Maybe we are attention deficit, or hyperactive, or both, no matter what our age is. Sometimes others gently or not so gently, let us know of this bad habit.

But like any habit, good or bad, habits can be changed. We simply need to become aware of what we are doing. Once someone lets us know we are not listening, that can become the moment we remind ourselves to become the observer of ourselves. Watch what we do the next time in conversation, so that we can do a better job of listening.

Two things happen when we earnestly listen. First, the person we are listening to feels heard, acknowledged and appreciated. Second, we get a better understanding of what the other person is trying to share with us.

This all seems like common sense. However, if the conversation gets heated, or we have a completely different opinion other than the one that is being expressed, then all bets are off with our listening skills.

How are we with political, religious, or relationship discussions? We know what our hot spots are. Still, if communication is what we are after, both listening and speaking with others, then we need to practice listening better without interrupting. Take notes of things that come to mind if it is a long discussion so that you do not forget, as opposed to interrupting so you do not forget. Then when the other person is done, you have your chance. Of course this works better when both people agree to practice better listening skills.

It is always better to work things out in person whenever possible. On the telephone, others cannot see our expressions. The written word can come across very harsh without hearing the inflection of voice and the look in someone’s eyes.

Life is too short to not communicate with others. Keep trying. Never give up. As we grow and change, so do others. If relationships have fallen by the wayside, we can renew them simply by the art of listening. How many relationships have come to an end because one of the two has decided that because of the situation 20 years ago, that the person they are shunning is still the same, and always will be. A line is drawn in the sand never to be crossed. This happens with mothers and daughters, fathers and sons, and friends who have given up on each other. No matter how many years go by, never give up on each other. The winds of time blow away those lines drawn in the sand, giving all involved a clean slate with which to work.

The art of listening is truly a gift and a joy. There is more to each other, all people, whether we love them or not, than we first realize. Relationships are living, breathing realities that stay alive with each heartbeat of the people involved. Everyone in the relationship is diminished when communication and the art of listening stops.

There are times when fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG) by others is the manipulation tactic used to strong arm an individual into breaking off communication and truly listening in a relationship. Most often this is a triangulation technique used by a third-party to separate mothers and daughters, co-workers at work, or any other scenario where the manipulator bullies the victim into submission. “If you talk to or associate with so-and-so, you won’t have a relationship with me.”

This is a second grade fault that we stop our children from doing. However, when adults feel like they are losing control, we revert to this second grade bullying tactic. Listening has stopped, and fear of the triangulation relationship survival has taken over, if it is allowed. When this tactic is used in any relationship, the manipulator will continue to manipulate, justifying his/her actions from then on, seeing that it worked. This tactic is also used in work situations. “You will do this or else …”

Now imagine if we improve our listening skills with our family and friends, and extend these skills out into the world in order than we be better vibrant listeners. What if we acknowledge the words of those we are listening to by repeating their words to make sure we got the full understanding? How much better we would be in human interaction, politically, socially, civically, and personally in all relationships.

There is much at stake in the world today. All societies are based upon the family. We are born into families. If we make the family stronger with the art of listening, our neighborhoods, our cities and states, and our countries will be able to communicate better.

We also become better listeners when we go to God in prayer, not only pouring out our hearts and concerns in our daily living, but when we practice becoming better listeners to God, Father of Jesus Christ, through meditation.

If we become better listeners, we can stop playing games of not understanding . We do this so as to get our own way without an uprising from those who are trying to pull the wool over the eyes of others. Politicians use this manipulation trick. It is hard to point fingers at others we see using this form of non-communication, when we see ourselves using it as well.

Playing dumb and pretending not to understand, is a manipulation technique. Once we recognize it, we can make it stop. We stop by not playing along in the childish, manipulating game. This manipulation stops being effective when we stop playing along.

It is possible for all of us to become better listeners. We only need to practice it to become better at it.

God Bless