Have you ever been in a heated argument, constantly screaming over the other person, so insistent on being heard that you do not hear what the other person was saying in the first place, without changing the subject to something that hurt you in the past, which never really addresses the original subject?
Holistic counseling is the course of action to take if current words keep sending you back to past hurts. Unresolved issues will keep surfacing when certain buttons are pushed in your emotional self unless these ties to dysfunction are cut and sealed, allowing your emotional self to heal and move on. It is a life lesson that will keep repeating until it is finally addressed.
Words pack a powerful punch. Once said, words cannot be taken back. We can apologize for the things we say, but once they fly out of the mouth, words said take on a life of their own. Self-justification matters little when words reflect deep-seated hostility, masked as boundaries.
What helps to defuse arguments?
Listening.
Listen to what has been said, as opposed to yelling and throwing an emotional fit, hijacking the limelight, and introducing drama over how the hurtful statement was delivered. This is a deflection method sure to not address the original subject.
Communication skills involve listening to the other person without interrupting. This can be hard to hear when everything the other person says triggers deep-seated emotional issues in yourself. Still, listening without interrupting is the key.
Communicating also does not need loud and angry voices to get the point across. If screaming at each other has been the model you have been using, you will not get to the point of understanding, nor solving communication issues. No one wants to be the one whose voice has been silenced constantly by others constantly interrupting. No wonder another person feels frustrated to the point that the only way to get the message out is to finally erupt.
Volcanos erupt after enough pressure is applied. This happens in broken-down communication, where only one side gets to talk. This also happens most often with fast talkers who do not have the patience to wait to hear what the other person has to say. This is not kind nor fair.
Insisting that “I did nothing wrong,” does not solve an argument. It is a way to break a relationship. Those words solve nothing. In any argument, both sides need to apologize, not just one. That is the height of tripping on your own ego to think that if only the other person listened to you completely, the problem would be solved. This invalidates the other person’s existence, feelings, and point of view, which might be different from your own.
Repairing relationships is possible. But it requires calm and placing yourself in the other person’s shoes to actually hear what is being said. Interrupting, yelling and screaming have a way of stopping listening. Listen with a calm focus on attempting to understand the others point of view, not constantly going back to your point of view. It helps to repeat what the other person is say as a way to show you do understand what is being said.
No one likes to be wrong. But sometimes we are wrong. The ego does not like this part and will encourage you to fight back with fighting or lengthy words. This does nothing but go back down the rabbit hole of dysfunction again.
Relationship healing is possible. It happens when both sides listen completely to what the other side has to say. When one side has completed what they want to say, that side stops talking. Next, the other side has the same opportunity to speak, uninterrupted. Interrupting someone when they are speaking means you are not listening. Make sure not to interrupt each other. Set time limits to speak if necessary, anything in order that each side is not interrupted.
Just know, healing communication is possible.
Namaste